Are You an Indian Giver: Understanding Gifts During Marriage

One of the hallmarks of courtship is gift giving. Like love itself, bestowing presents goes back to the beginning of time. If you look beyond our culture and century, cultures around the world have regarded gift giving as a prominent facet of marriage since ancient times. These offerings are often expensive, luxury items and jewels. Somehow, even needy and middle-of-the-road individuals often come up with the money for this. It’s important to understand how gifts are classified under the Domestic Relations Law that informs matrimonial law and during a divorce. See, DRL Section 236B: https://codes.findlaw.com/ny/domestic-relations-law/dom-sect-236

Traditionally, an engagement starts with a diamond ring – a high-end asset. If the marriage never takes place, by law, the ring reverts to the giver. If the marriage takes place, the engagement ring belongs to the recipient, even if the marital disintegration starts immediately. 

Any other gift given during the time of engagement doesn’t have the concept of necessary reversion like the ring.

By law, wedding gifts are marital. That means, presumptively, they’re split equitably in New York. When we say “equitable,” we don’t necessarily mean 50/50; different assets are often split in different allocations – but wedding gifts do tend to be split 50/50 if the parties are choosing to treat it as a marital asset.

As wedding gifts are typically bestowed to both parties in their newfound celebration, gifts from third parties expressly given to both parties during the marriage are also marital. Here, the express intent of the giver matters. If, for example, the wife’s father or best friend gives her a gift during the marriage, that would be her separate property, but if the father or best friend gives that same gift and says, “Here is for the two of you to enjoy,” the gift would be marital property. 

I have seen situations where parents will put real property in their married child’s exclusive name and gift it. The act of placing the real property in one party’s name is sufficient to demonstrate their intention to gift it to their child as separate property. Conversely, I have seen instances where parents placed real property in both parties’ names (their child and his/her spouse). In these instances, their child cannot meet the burden of proof that the gift was meant exclusively for them at the time of a divorce. They must share that real property with their soon-to-be ex as marital property. 

Inheritances are a form of a third-party gift given at a loved one’s demise. These gifts are separate property. So long as the inheriting party keeps it separate, the law honors this as separate property. Even if some commingling of it has occurred, if the inheriting party can trace it to the inheritance, they often get recoupment.

It is only natural that spouses buy things for each other, and these interspousal gifts are marital property under the law. Think of a husband who buys his wife a necklace for her birthday and a wife who buys her husband a one-of-a-kind watch for their anniversary. Those are both interspousal gifts. Their allocation, upon a divorce, is subject to equitable distribution.

Prenuptial and Postnuptial Agreements can elect to opt out of this, and designate all such gifts as separate property. The prenup/postnup can address whose separate property it is. 

Different people designate the gifts as separate or marital property based on their individual values and sensibilities. It is common for clients to say that interspousal gifts will be the recipient’s separate property, but you have people who also want to set a dollar limit, for example, they may feel that all gifts under $4,000 will be the recipients but anything over $4,000 will revert to the giver. 

Some feel that when a marriage is on the heels of divorce, and one party may have even engaged a divorce attorney, the party trying to salvage the marriage will try re-courting their spouse and lavishing them with expensive gifts to reignite endearment. Their sense of justice tells them that if a divorce happens, that expensive inter-spousal gift should revert to them if they used separate property to buy it, because their spouse was already planning on divorcing them and that last ditch effort should not cause them a greater loss. 

These sorts of nuanced permutations are common. Another example of a permutation would be that all wedding gifts will be one of the party’s separate property, because that party paid for most of the wedding. 

Helping clients feel a sense of security through prenuptial and postnuptial agreements is one of my favorite parts of practicing Matrimonial Law. 

If you would like to learn more about how your gifts and assets are classified in a divorce or to draft a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement tailored to your specific priorities, contact me to schedule a consultation.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

How the Mediated Russian Prisoner Exchange Can Inform Divorce Mediation

In the recent prisoner exchange with Russia, German Chancellor Olaf Scholz was critical to the negotiations. The prisoner exchange was taking place behind the scenes for a long period, but timing was crucial for the end result.

The Right Person

In the hostage deal, the pivotal player was Scholz. 

When selecting a mediator, it’s important to vet them and mindfully choose someone who is the right fit for both parties. 

Different mediators have different styles, and different mediators have different levels of authority and ability to get the parties to the finish line. 

When parties select a mediator that is the wrong fit, and the mediation has no traction, they tend to develop fatigue and wariness of the mediation process and jump ship to litigation rather than searching for a better suited mediator. 

That initial mediator selection is critical.

Mediation Style

Scholz had his own style that was palatable and effective for both sides. 

There are different mediation styles. One is “looping,” which is repeating what the parties say back to them. Looping can be good for couples that are highly cooperative but may be completely ineffective for more contentious mediations rife with friction and distrust. For those, you likely need a more authoritative style.

 Some mediators will do ex-parte meetings – meetings between the mediator and one side only. Some mediators will only meet with parties unless both attorneys are present. Some mediators will not agree to have any attorneys present. Some mediators are flexible. 

Know your mediator’s style in advance and ensure it resonates with you. 

Timing

The prisoner exchange had been in the works for many months, but timing was an important motivator. Scholz’s cooperation felt tenuous to the sides. There was concern that Scholz would no longer be willing to mediate pending the upcoming United States election results. 

Timing can be key in mediation. Often, especially in touch and go mediations, a dispute might be on the table for a while without progress. The parties don’t budge from their positions until an external circumstance promotes their agreement. There’s usually a narrow window of time in which the mediation could get done. Ride that wave!

The Deal

The next aspect is the terms of the deal. 

There has been analysis and op-eds of the prisoner exchange deal discussing the justifications for exchanging purported criminals for innocent civilians. 

Scholz defended the deal by stating that our overall humanity weighs towards doing whatever necessary to free the innocents, even if it was at the cost of releasing criminals and potentially incentivizing further detentions and hostage situations. 

Similarly, a lot of mediations appear asymmetrical, but may still be equitable. 

There’s a difference between a real power imbalance that we are all keenly on the lookout for in our role as mediators where we “represent neither side yet defend both sides,” and just the fact that both sides have different bottom lines and agendas.

For example, there might be a situation where a wife agrees to waive her husband’s pension thereby walking away from sizable assets or accepting much less in child support than she could be entitled, because she’s getting something else in return that’s more important to her. 

In divorce and in high-profile prisoner swaps alike, our overall humanity, hopefully, wins – so long as each party preserves what is most important to them.

For more information, contact us.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

Required Reading for Involved Grandparents

Recommended reading: “Well Into Adulthood and Still Getting Money From Their ParentsWall Street Journal, January 26th, 2024.

In order to help their family thrive, many grandparents financially support their adult children and grandchildren. For example, let’s think about a couple that lives in Manhattan with an income of $350,000 – $400,000 a year. In many places, that would be a decent amount of money. If someone’s living on the Upper West Side, Upper East Side, or SoHo, it’s not nearly enough. In these situations, grandparents often give their children very large sums of money on a routine basis as well as make direct payments towards expenses like the grandchildren’s private school tuition and high-end camp experiences. 

I wrote an article called “Good Samaritan Divorce,” which talks about how the Good Samaritan often gets “punished” in some way. For your convenience, you can read the article here.

What does this have to do with matrimonial law? There are standards and statutes in matrimonial law, and grandparents’ consistent and unwavering financial support can affect the support payments. The general support standards are set forth in “The Child Support Standards Act” and “The Notice of Guideline Maintenance” – advisory guideline statutes for child support and spousal support (aka maintenance and alimony). 

The golden rule is maintaining the standard of living.

At the outset of a divorce case, both sides are required to accurately complete, legally acknowledge, and file with the courts a comprehensive document called a Statement of Net Worth, which sets forth the standard of living. 

The standard of living analysis is the most critical and guiding factor in negotiating support and arriving at a final agreed upon amount. The system wants children’s material lives to remain intact. The system wants the lower income earning spouse to have a window of time when they are getting support from their higher earner ex to give them a cushion and bridge towards being more self-supporting. 

I’ve had many cases where grandparents steadily gave money to their children’s family throughout the marriage to subsidize housing, car payments, parking, vacations, and tuition – like a weekly or monthly allowance, but for adults.

If the couple divorces, the idea of imputation comes into play.

Imputation: The assignment of a value to something by inference from the value of the products or processes to which it contributes.

Let’s say it was the husband’s father that helped support the family, the wife is going to want to come after that additional money, even though it doesn’t show in the husband’s W-2 or tax returns – that’s the inference.

Some grandparents feel like imputation codifies an agreement that would have happened anyway. Other grandparents react differently and chafe at the idea of being required to do anything. They also don’t want to be passengers on the roller coaster of their child’s divorce. 

In many instances, grandparents enter into promissory notes with their child for some or all of the funds they give – thereby making their child their debtor. They are trying to ensure that the monies are legally recorded as debts and not gifts or supplemental income. This is done to shield both the grandparent and their child in the event of a divorce. Both the grandparent and child should, however, consult with a qualified attorney when navigating this strategy. 

Understanding imputations and standard of living analyses takes a skilled matrimonial attorney – and the more experience they have, the better. Contact me at The Law & Mediation Office of Cheryl Stein to schedule a consultation.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

Softening the Blow to Children Amid Divorce

Nesting takes a little finesse on the part of mom and dad, but the kids get to stay put.

If divorcing in a chaotic wild west style is on one end of the spectrum and divorcing like you’re having a congenial kumbaya and séance is on the other end of the spectrum, “Nesting” is the kumbaya séance. 

Nesting is a custody arrangement in which each parent is in the marital residence with the children, exclusive of the other parent, during his or her designated parenting time. 

During your parenting time, you’re with the children in the marital residence and the other parent goes to another residence – typically a “crash pad” apartment – close to the marital residence that both parents share in alternating fashion during their “off parenting” time. You then go to that other shared apartment when your ex comes back to the marital residence during his or her designated parenting time. 

By alternating which parent is in the marital residence, the children stay put in the marital residence “nest” they are accustomed to rather than going back and forth between both parent’s homes. 

While many nesting situations are 50/50 parenting time splits, it is fluid, and certainly not all are. Some have other parenting time splits, where one parent is clearly the primary “on parent.” 

Parents who choose nesting tend to be very concerned with the impact their separation will have on their children in what is typically demonstrated in self-sacrificial ways. It’s like they are trying to follow a code of rules towards executing as neat and seamless a separation and divorce as humanly possible, even if it will make them more uncomfortable. 

For example, the shared crash pad is typically a bare bones impersonal space where they are careful not to leave personal belongings that their ex could find, because while sharing it, they are divorcing for a reason after all, and want a semblance of privacy from their ex. Further, they are alternating to shield their children from having to do so, because moving physical spaces often is inherently an uprooted way of living. 

Nesting requires a high level of collaboration and cooperation between the parents. 

Litigating parties or parties whose only language and discourse is that of hostility are not candidates for a nesting arrangement. I have yet to have a case where one of my litigating clients was nesting. I would be curious if such a case exists and how it was pulled off.

Nesting is very attractive in the beginning to many couples who come to me for mediation and collaborative divorce before they have a firm footing and understanding of what their post-divorce family will look like. 

They want to nest as a transitional bridge for a one to two-year period to “safely” get the family to the other side – the post-divorce splintered family still trying to salvage whatever wholeness they can project to and for the kids.

It is often an idealistic aspiration. As the parties nest for several months and the separation terms come into clearer focus, the initial enthusiasm for nesting typically starts to fizzle, and most couples end up doing it for a shorter duration than they initially thought they would.

It is a testament that separation and divorce is a process and for those who have a good enough relationship with their ex to have the luxury to keep an open mind and try things, it can be a fluid process, where both parties mutually decide which avenues “fit” them individually and the kids, as they are going through it.

To learn more about nesting and whether it is the right decision for you, contact us at The Law & Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

Victimhood Has Currency

Most people spin conflict so that they are the victor or the victim. Here’s why it’s important to keep that instinct in check.

The legal community focuses heavily on the topic of domestic violence with continuing legal education seminars and pro bono clinics. There is even a specialized court called the IDV court (integrated domestic violence), where the family law cases that have alleged elements of domestic violence are adjudicated.

Abuse comes in many forms – emotional, physical, sexual, and financial. Courts take abuse into consideration and use it as a factor in equitable distribution and spousal support, often increasing the amount of money an abused party will get. So, there is monetary compensation for it.

There is a case J.N v. T.N., in which the abuse was found to be so grave, the court awarded the abused party 85% of the marital assets. The case can be found here: https://law.justia.com/cases/new-york/other-courts/2022/2022-ny-slip-op-22310.html. See also, DRL Section 236(B)(5)(d)(14), which can be found here: https://www.nysenate.gov/legislation/laws/DOM/236.

Abuse is also an obvious factor in custody determinations, as logically, children should have measured and protected engagements with an abusive parent. Trouble comes, however, when one party exaggerates or fabricates allegations of abuse to gain monetary and custodial advantages. The irony being that such a party abuses the abuse claim as a punitive and self-enriching weapon.

For example, conjure the not uncommon case of a wife calling the police on her husband, purely as a child custody tactic. In doing so, she thinks she can get the upper hand by forcing the creation of a police record for her husband – all without thinking of the implications. The wife here is so blinded by her personal ambition of gaining full custody that she fails to see the bigger picture – that her husband would get fired if there was any hint of an abuse allegation in his private life. Whether or not the allegation was true, the allegation’s mere existence was a glaring indelible black mark against him. What she thought would help her in her custody case turned out to be a very silly move for the financials. Since her ex is now unemployed and virtually unemployable at the level of income he was making at a top bank, she is limited in the support she can get. Moreover, because the court felt her call to the police was disingenuous, she ended up being penalized on the custody front.

Everything done in divorce has a cost-benefit analysis. As highlighted above, when vindictive parties are too myopic in their strategy, they end up losing on multiple fronts.

One of the consequences of the victimhood claim is that it often keeps very unhappily married couples married.

I have seen many situations where a theme of the marriage is – “You are the reason for all my unhappiness and misery, and if we get divorced, I will make your life a living hell.”

The party being blamed chooses to stay in the marriage because they view this as a real threat. Despite their misery, it is a misery they know and have lived with for years, which to them, beats the unknown behemoth of misery their spouse vows to ascend on them if the parties divorce.

I often get postnuptial agreement inquiries from this category of married couples.

To learn more about how genuine and fabricated abuse allegations can impact a marriage and divorce, contact The Law & Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

Spouse or Competitor

Over my career, I’ve seen many cases in which the parties act more like top-tier competitors as opposed to loving spouses and partners. This almost always causes one of them to feel badly about the relationship because they can’t help but compare their “worth” to their partner’s. They may feel like they’re always outwitted and somehow beaten by them. 

Usually, dynamics like these involve two highly skilled and highly successful professionals. For example:

A couple was running a medical practice together, and it just worked out that one of them drummed up a lot more business. Projects were dominated by that spouse, and patients asked for them, specifically. 

While married, the couple kept the profit distribution for the business at 50/50. It’s a great business with great clients, so they want it to continue. As part of the settlement, they agreed to change the profit model of the business to account for who brings in more dollars. 

When divorcing spouses are business partners, they may end up hoarding business relationships, just as we see when parties to a divorce become territorial with their mutual friends.    

Another common dynamic I see in all types of high achievers, whether they work for themselves or someone else, is that both partners work hard during the week — but one of them really prefers to do nothing on the weekends. Their spouse is someone who takes every pottery class, goes to every wine tasting, and learns every language. That, too, will plant a seed for some type of inequality of effort. To be clear, there are some situations where two people like that can coexist if there is one that doesn’t mind doing things on their own. 

I’m often very inspired by my clients and my cases. I see my clients go through tremendous grief, stuck in a relationship that’s supposed to be loving, yet feeling like they’re constantly competing. You wish that — somehow in their adult life — they can manage to overcome that and reach a happier place within themselves. It’s rewarding when they start dating other people and see first-hand that there are much more peaceful individuals out there. 

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

Remedies for a Blabbing Spouse

My last post explored the phenomenon of one spouse bad-mouthing the other spouse — to friends, neighbors and places of employment. In this post, we’ll address what you can do about it.

There are a wide variety of strategies that can be used to, for lack of a better term, tell your ex to shut up. Specific legal remedies that can be put in place are: 

•Confidentiality Clauses/Non-Disclosure Agreements: A party can negotiate confidentiality or privacy clauses. Unfortunately, these Agreements are very difficult to enforce and not worth the paper it’s written on. It makes people feel better to include these clauses, but it’s important not to be delusional about their efficacy. 

•Orders of Protection: People do sometimes try to go for the jugular, which in today’s world is bad-mouthing your ex to their employers and coworkers. When that happens, it is a direct cause and reason to go straight for an order of protection to shut the person down. Judges are usually sympathetic to the person who is being harassed, especially since the courts want people employed. 

•Litigation: Johnny Depp’s defamation suit against Amber Heard was an outlier in the world of divorce. Most people do not want to litigate for various reasons, most commonly to avoid airing out their laundry for their employer or general network to potentially see — but sometimes bringing a suit is the right solution to the problem at hand. 

There’s often trepidation among divorcing people around using all the tools in their arsenal. They worry that doing so will exacerbate the situation. For example, if someone works at a job that requires a security clearance, they may be afraid that something like an order of protection will appear as a black mark and flag them from clearing. 

Instead, a lot of people choose the status quo and, essentially, suffer in silence. 

It’s important to keep in mind that the courts, as we know, are part of the government. The government is always afraid of people becoming a ward of the state. They want people employed and fully functioning, and they take this idea of playing around with another person’s employability very seriously. The legal system is capable of helping you — if you have good representation and know which cards to play.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

When Your Ex Is Blabbing About You…Ruining Your Reputation

The idea of people speaking negatively about us is a huge source of shame for many. We all want to exist in the world thinking that we are well thought of, or at least neutrally thought of. Whether the negative thing is true or not, it’s obviously really unsettling. 

One of the unique aspects of a marital relationship is that each spouse knows things about the other that no one else does. When vulnerabilities that are exposed in the times of greatest intimacy and closeness are used against someone, they may feel a loss of the trust that created the whole reason for marriage.

Unfortunately, divorce is problematic in its own way. It often gets used as a bombshell when talking to neighbors, and this can create feelings of tremendous isolation for the other person. I’ve seen people go to bed one night with a whole network of friends, and wake up blocked by all of them, across multiple platforms. 

Sometimes, mutual friends can actually be great facilitators during the process of mediating a divorce, as a sort of in-between. Other times, friends are caught in the middle and used as sounding boards to air out the negative feelings of whichever spouse they are with at the moment. 

One thing that few people realize is that when your ex bad-mouths you, they often reveal their own negative character traits instead of yours. Within the work environment, the gossiper is the one that is most at risk, because nobody really wants to hear that often sensationalized, quasi-true, shameful anecdote about their co-worker’s ex, especially if they are a substantive person themselves; it makes us cringe. Moreover, at work, superiors start to think their blabbermouth divorcing underling is using time and energy they should be channeling into their job to conduct glorified group therapy sessions, and consequently, they start scrutinizing their job performance more. I often say, “Chances are it’s more negatively impacting your spouse that they’re blabbing about you than it’s affecting you.”

That said, people are often still blocked from their regular friends and support systems. Across the board, I have seen people experience trouble functioning in the midst of a mass ghosting led by their soon-to-be ex-spouse. 

Ultimately, the larger world is full of people who do have an element of common sense. If they feel they know you, and have a decent rapport with you, most people will be able to navigate the gossip. 

In my next post, I’ll talk about the measures you can take, like confidentiality and NDA clauses, to protect yourself in an agreement.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

When Your Spouse Is Gay

Most people who find out their spouse is gay think they’re facing a unique situation — but, realistically speaking, there are a lot of LGBT+ people who have gone the traditional way of marriage and starting families. Many of them are near retirement age and got married when the world was a less tolerant place. 

While each situation is different, in my practice, divorces where one spouse is gay tend to be more amicable as an overall generalization, with there being some highly contentious ones every now and again. There’s oftentimes already a deep attachment and an understanding in place that they were never going to have a conventional marriage. They created a different kind of life together, and now they have to untangle it. 

That mutual respect is why so many couples like this are more inclined to mediate their divorces. In many of my cases, the person who is not gay is attached to the one that is, and the person that is gay usually does not want to be harsh. I have also had experiences where the couple tries initially to mediate, or resolve the situation amicably, and they end up litigating. That can happen for a number of reasons, including the non-adversarial setting of mediation, which has been known to make financial manipulation more likely to occur. 

Within the various religions, one party being gay may present seemingly unsolvable problems in a divorce. Oftentimes, religions bring with them a culture that involves every member of a multi-generational family. Some religious communities have their own systems of dealing with marriages and divorces. Information that is private in the secular world is everyone’s business in small communities. Because of that, couples may work out an agreement in which they are divorced in everything but name — unless the parties are completely willing to be open and potentially jeopardize some of the relationships with their family members, including parents, siblings, uncles still moored in more traditional and less accepting dogmas.

In many of these cases, the non-gay spouse did have suspicions over the years that their spouse might be gay. A lot of times, it was chalked up to depression, the gay spouse exhibiting behaviors such as being withdrawn, detached, and lack of interest in sexual encounters with their spouse. The reality is the gay spouse is often depressed if they feel trapped in a marriage with someone of the “wrong” sex who they lack sexual interest in and are often conflicted about how to handle their situation — do they stay out of a sense of loyalty to their family or do they go out of a sense of loyalty to their true innate nature. So, for many, getting that divorce is important to their continuing mental health.

To get started, contact me.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

Who Is Your Judge?

A good lawyer knows the law, and a great lawyer knows their judge. 

In matrimonial and family law, there are no jury trials. The judge is the audience; the one and only who needs to be persuaded. Like the rest of us, that judge is human and may get up on the wrong side of the bed on different days, making what might seem like inconsistent rulings. This can feel arbitrary to divorcing parties on the receiving end, who are already being doled generous helpings of uncertainty in the shifting landscape of their lives. 

Purportedly, the judge only wants to get at the truth — to make the best decision for all sides based on the facts. “Purportedly” being the appropriate word here with so much controversy often surrounding individual judge’s motives, styles, and decisions by various constituents of the peanut gallery comprised of the matrimonial law professional inbreeds, such as attorneys, other members of the bar, and divorcing parties passing through the system. 

Be clear, precise and tell the judge exactly what you want upfront. This is not a game of manipulation or reverse psychology, where you say one thing but really mean and want the opposite. Intertwine your specific story with the relevant case law. It’s especially helpful to come armed with recent decisions that that particular judge made on a similar case. If you find yourself being long-winded with a judge, you’re probably losing them. 

Have you ever heard the expression, “Too much story!” That person that may or may not have interesting and poignant anecdotes to share, you’d never know, because, by the time they get to the point and deliver the punchline, they’ve lost you in a sea of extraneous words. Rule number 1, when in front of your judge, don’t be that person. Don’t confuse this with avoiding telling your story altogether. One of the most influential members of the NY Bar used to tell attorneys time and again, “I need to hear the story; that is what family law is; tell me this family’s story.” Your task becomes being an adroit and effective story-teller, conveying the relevant facts and circumstances. 

As important as it is to know your judge and how the presentation of your case will resonate with them, your entire strategy cannot hinge on playing to one judge’s likes and dislikes. Judges often change and swap out cases. For example, your attorney might be catering to one particular judge, and then when it comes time to do the support, the judge says, “I’m sending this down to a magistrate to decide.” Hopefully, your attorney had not been putting all of their eggs in that one basket. 

The case has to be solid enough to present in front of any judge. To that end, it’s important to keep a very clear paper trail and track record of what’s going on, so that a potential new judge will be able to pick up the case seamlessly.

Sometimes more than one judge works on a case at the same time. A divorce case that involves Child Protective Services may be adjudicated in both Family Court and Supreme Court. Oftentimes cases like these will get condensed to avoid the left hand from not knowing what the right hand is doing. 

Another factor that most attorneys look at is where the judge is in their career. They might have developed different leanings based on what their own immediate responsibilities are, what their culture is, what their peers have been doing, and what institutions they’re involved with at the time.

The attorney you hire should be flexible, able to adapt within their strategy very quickly when they’re building a case; even though they are doing their due diligence to tailor the case to your judge, they really have to create a consistently irrefutable fact set.

Along the same lines as knowing your judge is knowing your courthouse. I sometimes get calls from people in Westchester or Upstate New York, for example. I advise them that a Westchester litigation case is, most often, best represented by a Westchester attorney who has spent significant time in the county courts. You want an attorney whom the judges are very familiar with and are certain will keep to their word because of their prior experiences working together.

Sometimes people don’t have all the information they need, or they’re only listening to a certain version of the narrative that is skewed — often referred to as, “living in a bubble.” They don’t necessarily have information presented to them in an unbiased way in order to make decisions based on logic. 

We see with political discussions that neighbors and friends can look at the same set of facts and come to viewpoints that are polar opposites of each other. We just had a presidential election, and with how divided the country was, this couldn’t have been more clear. Similarly, this happens all the time in divorce. People look at the exact same fact set and arrive at completely different conclusions. It’s only by understanding this inherent reality that attorneys can offer a truly holistic representation for their divorcing clients. For more information on telling the story of your divorce, backing it up with unbiased, concrete facts, and interlacing it with recent case law trends — contact me

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

The Best Revenge Is Living Well

Recently the country has witnessed the difference between demanding justice and demanding revenge. The lens of 2020 made it clear that they are two distinct things that may overlap in places, but differ in fundamental ways. The toll wrought by the desire for revenge was far more destructive than anyone seeking justice through peaceful protests. 

Divorcing people are all too familiar with the murky, gray area where justice and revenge overlap. All too often the initial desire for justice transforms into a yearning for revenge for one or both spouses. Maybe one spouse looks like they’re really enjoying life and it just rubs the other spouse the wrong way. What’s worse, anxiety — in no short supply nowadays — amplifies every other negative emotion and inches us ever closer to the edge. 

I happen to be working on a case in which the mother made it very clear that she wants a 60/40 split on custody. The father wants a 50/50 arrangement, but the mother held firm. There was no monetary benefit attached to the 60/40 arrangement; the mother would receive the same support package either way. As it turns out, life just unfolded in a way where the father was getting the 50/50 split he initially desired. Then, out of some kind of desire for revenge, the mother started to alienate the youngest child — who is the most vulnerable and malleable. This is incredibly unhealthy, and none of the members of this family can be said to be thriving. 

Sometimes the revenge dynamic takes on a more competitive quality. One spouse might look at the other and, based on something like their spending, feel left out of an apparently amazing life. It may look like the other is spending a fortune on what seem to be luxuries, like going for massages or buying an expensive humidor. (Meanwhile, neither one of them has reined in their spending!) 

A much more simple way to get revenge is to live well and enjoy your life. The idea of living well encompasses more than just meeting the marital standard of living. It is forward-looking, previewing what you need to live well in the future. That includes physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Even though support packages are based on the standard of living during the marriage — in other words, hindsight — a lot of what we seek in support packages or equitable distribution has to do with projection into the future. Traditional “wisdom” says the best projection of the future is the past, but in a divorce, you may be doing things you’ve never done before, so the past isn’t much of a guide.

As an attorney, it is my duty to make sure a client never settles a case with terms they later regret. Invariably that leads to a feeling of betrayal, creating an environment for things like vengeance to flourish. And what the vengeful person does not release on their spouse, they release on the rest of the world.

Realistically speaking, the best revenge is getting the best deal. To ultimately live the best life, and create a support system that includes everything that you need to bolster and support yourself — whether it’s therapy, job training, education, or a new wardrobe for presenting yourself to the world. 

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

When Your Spouse Asks You to Move Out — Breaking the Seal on the Marital Home

As the pandemic stretches on, I’ve been doing a lot of early terminations of residential leases as part of divorces. It seems that some people who were “hanging in there” with their spouse are starting to reach the end of their rope. Perhaps these marriages would have lasted longer, but the pandemic moved up the expiration date on everything.

Many clients just don’t know what to do or how to answer when they are asked to move out. My first response to them is always, “Well, tell them they should move out. If they feel that the two of you shouldn’t be together, shouldn’t you be the one who gets to stay?”

That’s because moving out of the marital home is a big deal. The person who moves out loses a lot of power just by not being there — especially on day-to-day child care issues. That is why it is imperative to seek out an attorney to help you with a formalized move-out letter, and preferably, a parenting agreement before you agree to anything.

A formalized move-out letter most often states:

•it was a mutual decision that one of you should move out;
•thoughtful consideration was given to who that should be;
•the person who is moving out has the right to move back in at any time;
•the person who is moving out is not abandoning any of their rights; and
•the move has no bearing on equitable distribution, maintenance, custody, and visitation.

That document is signed and notarized by both parties. In an ideal situation, you also would have pulled together a parenting agreement to be incorporated and signed along with the move-out letter. If you cannot pull together an agreement fast enough, then one can be made at a later time.

In addition to protecting your legal rights, the agreement can protect you against your spouse reneging on promises. Sometimes this happens unintentionally, and sometimes with malice. The protection you get from the memorialized agreement works in both cases.

Please feel free to contact me if you have an impending dissolution or move out.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

Is Your Attorney Asleep at the Wheel?

A lot of times people come to me for a second opinion or to have me take over their case. The complaint many people have about their attorney is not about billable hours. Rather, the chief complaint I hear is, “My attorney is asleep at the wheel and neglecting my case.”

Is he/she, though?

The strategy in boxing is to wear down your opponent. Have him throw a lot of punches until he’s totally drained. He may think he is beating you, but you have saved your energy for the very end, when you throw a flurry of final punches, and win the match. 

Is your attorney really neglecting your case or do they have a worthwhile strategy of wearing the other side down? Could it be that they are restraining and exerting effort at the right times and places to be most efficient and cost-effective for your case?   

Your attorney may be mishandling your case, but not necessarily, and it is critical to know the difference. 

Another area where people may get the impression that their attorney may be asleep at the wheel is the period of pre-court discovery motions. Discovery is an extremely expensive process, and because of that a lot of attorneys will ignore any discovery responses or demands until they are actually in court. I have come across attorneys that are like that — any pre-court discovery requests end up being a waste of time and money because the other side will only respond to the authority of the court. In my practice, I have learned how not to waste time and money with attorneys like this. 

Another expensive and labor-intensive process is the taking of depositions. Attorneys will avoid depositions as much as possible. Often people going through divorce hear about the experiences of their friends and family, and wonder why they haven’t been deposed. This is another example of your attorney putting your needs first by avoiding expenses that end up serving no purpose.

No matter what strategy your attorney is using, you should be in on it. Give the word “strategy” some space in your brain, and make sure you stay updated on how it’s going. Together, you and the attorney of your choosing can work smart instead of working costly and hard. 

You may contact The Law & Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein to learn more about your case.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

Flattening the Curve in Divorce

When I heard the term “Flattening the Curve” associated with COVID 19, it was eerily familiar, with great resonance. 

Divorce is about flattening a different kind of curve. Instead of spreading out medical care, divorce professionals spread out the financial and emotional impact of divorce on a family. 

COVID is here; it is looking society straight in the eye; there is no averting its presence; it’s the stark reality, so too is divorce when it’s impending and underway. It’s about spreading the consequences out over time or mitigating them to make them more manageable so the parties can transition into a new norm.  

How does that work in the real world? States have laws that govern divorce and essentially cushion people; they spread out the repercussions and soften the blow so that the transition is manageable — and neither party is left disadvantaged. 

I associated divorce with flattening the curve when working with a client recently. It was a husband and wife with a marital home. The husband wanted a divorce and told the wife that he was moving out. Critically, he told her that he would only pay the mortgage for three more months. In that case, we were able to spread the transition over a longer period of time. He was in the wrong to threaten to leave her in the lurch when they had built a life together and assumed mutual responsibilities accordingly.  He was not let off the hook from paying his obligations pursuant to his hasty timeline and we were able to provide the necessary cushion and adequate timeline for the parties’ mutual release of responsibilities to one another. 

Another option that encourages flattening the curve of divorce is pendente lite and post-judgment maintenance and child support. Pendente lite simply means “during litigation” – it is to be paid while the case is ongoing, until the divorce is final. Post-judgment maintenance is tiered and paid out pursuant to the length of the marriage. Longer marriages yield longer pay-outs, with a marriage over 20 years, irrefutably dubbed a “long term marriage,” potentially promising a pay-out duration equivalent to half the length of the marriage, pursuant to the statute. Further, ancillary issues such as the ability of the payee to get up to speed on a career track and the parties’ respective ages and health issues are factors considered when determining maintenance amount and duration. 

Interim agreements are another option to prevent drastic changes in the parties’ standard of living from happening too soon or harshly. 

Cuomo has said about his relationship with Trump through this pressing Covid19 time that their personal differences and political orientations aside, when you are in a foxhole with someone, it doesn’t matter whether you like him or her, you are mutually single-focused in your aim to get out safely. Divorcing parties often share this sentiment when dealing with the IRS and taxes; even very litigious divorcing parties agree that they are on the same side as each other and “friends” to collaborate, align and save themselves tax dollars. The question is, “Are conflicted and divorcing couples also sharing this sentiment and approach in handling their conflicts, separation, and divorce through this time?” Are they in agreement that they must cooperate for the sake of each other’s well-being and the children’s to get everyone to the other side of this pandemic safely? 

The answer varies.

Some parties say that the pandemic is making everything else – including their separation and divorces – seem so trivial. Others, overwhelmed as it is by the drastic and fundamental changes in daily living, feel further crushed by increased hostility and feeling out of control both internally and from their exes.  

Maybe it can also be a time for us all to reflect on our own flexibility and willingness to negotiate? #quarantinegoals 

Stay safe!

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylstein

Do You Need a Postnup?

While the term “prenuptial agreement” has made its way into mainstream vocabulary, many still look flummoxed by the term “postnup.” What is it and are you in need of one?

A postnuptial agreement is structured like a prenup and bears similar terms, such as separate and marital property designations, specific maintenance provisions or waivers, estate provisions, and the gaping absence of rights relating to children of the marriage. Akin to a prenup, the agreement is mostly relevant and effective upon a separation at a future date. Both agreements are governed under the identical principles of contract law.  

Postnups are usually not “Oops we forgot to enter into a prenup; let’s quickly patch it up with a postnup” situations. Rather, they are typically carefully calculated events that fall into one of the following categories:

The parties start the process before their wedding and intentionally decide to finalize their agreement after the wedding when the dust has settled.  

When clients first come to me for a prenup, I ask them what their timeline is — if they can’t negotiate the terms they want in time for a pre-scheduled wedding, are they willing to proceed with the wedding, do it as a postnup and continue the negotiations after the wedding.

There are those that vehemently respond NO — come hell or high water, they are not getting married without a prenup; others are more lackadaisical about it and respond that they feel comfortable proceeding with the wedding, as long as they know a postnup will be entered into afterwards.

It is important to advise the latter category that a postnup is easier to challenge, and there are no guarantees that it will be signed within a specific duration once the wedding takes place.

Ironically, there seems to be little correlation between the generosity of people in their negotiations and their decision to either postpone the wedding until a prenup is executed or do it as a postnup. I’ve had clients say they want their spouse to get nothing in the event of a divorce, while others have wanted to give much more to the other person than the law would extend. Both these types of people have told me they could wait until after the wedding to do it as a postnup.

The psychology people have in relation to their money, accumulation, and sharing is not always logical; assumptions cannot be made; it is important to check the party’s temperature on these facets.

The parties are giving the prenuptial agreement a facelift; updating it to make it more current and reflective of their present reality, as opposed to the reality of bygone years when the prenup was entered into.

This is fairly common in a strong, healthy marriage when the parties have entered into a prenup that was more heavily in one party’s favor with the oral promise that they would agree to update it and extend more leaves to the other party as their marriage progressed, their family grew, and they had a proven track record of being happy together.

Case in point is a client who married a high net worth individual whose family carved out the terms of the prenup to protect their vast real estate conglomerate. The groom told the bride that he would agree to update the agreement every few years; true to his promise, he has, with each postnup they enter into being more favorable for her and far exceeding the prenup. At this point, approximately 7 years into their marriage, she is receiving far more under the present postnup than she would receive under the law. Her words verbatim, “He sees I’m normal, not out to spend money, and is now happy to share more.”

This postnup-to-update-a-prenup scenario is not exclusively exercised in smooth sailing waters; there are times when it is the exact opposite dynamic that triggers the postnup. A party unhappy in a marriage, who is starting to check-out, has more leverage when their spouse is dependent on them, still loves them, or wants to remain in the marriage and the unhappy spouse tries to get their spouse to sign a postnup that alters the terms of a prenup.

The parties are entering into a joint venture such as purchasing a marital residence together and wish to explicitly set forth the terms and allocation of ownership.

When parties purchase a big-ticket item such as a marital residence, especially if they got married later in life and have significant separate property funds, they often want a postnup relating to the specific responsibilities and ownership interests of the asset.

This scenario is also common when parties have a prenup with unspecified or overly generalized terms regarding jointly purchased real property.   

One or both of the parties are starting a business either together or separately or assuming debt and wish to set forth the terms and protections as it relates to their marital and separate property rights/entitlements and liabilities.

A physician who had been with her husband for over 15 years recently came to me for a postnup because she was starting her own medical practice, had significant medical school debt, was about to assume more debt towards business loans for her new venture, and her spouse had significant student loan debt as well. While her spouse was willing to have her start her own business with no agreement in place, she strongly felt she needed a postnup to allocate rights to her business and assign the parties’ respective debts. In light of her unease with her situation, I couldn’t have agreed more.

An agreement often works like a charm to settle a party’s nerves when they are about to take bold entrepreneurial steps or feel they are in over their heads in areas largely out of their control; an agreement is a way to take the reins in whatever way they can. 

Another client learned that her spouse was 9 million dollars in debt and wanted an indemnification agreement to protect herself; such an agreement would also fall under the category of a postnuptial agreement.

The parties’ marriage has entered rocky waters; they are not yet ready to throw in the towel; the thought of either a separation or divorce is still too raw and shocking, and they are wading their feet in the waters, one step at a time, and doing “Trysies” on a separation or divorce.

The expression, “Marry in haste, repent at leisure” is on point. Some need to unravel their marriage in baby steps. As opposed to ripping off the band-aid, they need incremental stages to adjust. Often they also feel there is a possibility of reconciliation and a postnup lends itself to such more than a separation agreement (or divorce), which has a greater air of finality to it.

When navigating the waters of a postnuptial agreement, party’s different paths, as described, often lead to the same result.

If you find yourself facing a time-challenge with your prenup or are considering a postnup, feel free to contact me.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

Are You a Puppet in Your Own Prenup?

In sync with the current day, age, and New York City demographic, I have been doing a substantial amount of prenuptial agreements. The underlying dynamics and personalities are critical defining variables. One such dynamic that has recently been popping up in a nearly extreme and cartoonish manner is the “Puppet In Their Own Prenup!” or “Where’s Waldo?!” scenarios. This is where one of the parties is AWOL from the entire negotiation and preparation process and the whole agreement is orchestrated on their behalf, typically by their family, family’s arsenal of attorneys, tax and financial strategists/planners, or just the party’s individual matrimonial attorney.   

The puppet in these cases often has never read the agreement for him- or herself and does not know the content or how much the agreement cost, as it was paid for by others, and simply blanket signs at the end of the process to formalize the agreement.

Needless to say, this is a lamentable practice, as it is an attorney’s responsibility to ensure the client read the agreement and understood its terms before executing. Even if the party’s parent bankrolled the agreement and was the one in direct contact with the prenup attorney, it is the marrying party signing the document who is the real client, a fact that should never be lost!  

A case in point was one where both clients were high net worth, but one significantly more so than the other, as the family owned multiple international businesses. The bride-to-be was a spirited, roll-up-her-sleeve and do-it-herself young woman. She became intimidated when she was presented with the prenup by a team of attorneys and tax experts whom her future father-in-law hired for the task; her fiancé was completely uninvolved in the process and did not know what was flying.

She came to me and we turned the situation around to one where she understood the prenup in its entirety, and we negotiated it to be favorable towards her. She felt more confident and emboldened by the process, and it ended up being a great experience for her. Her fiancé was never involved in the negotiations and did not know the content of the agreement; he did not particularly care about it. He was quite young and did not really grasp his own net worth, so the process was meaningless to him.

The main attorney on the groom’s side responsible for overseeing the prenup candidly admitted that he was so focused on pleasing the groom’s father, who had hired him, and his team of experts that he never paid much mind to the actual groom and reviewing the agreement with him. The groom was an after-thought, practically a guest at his own wedding.

Another case presented an attorney who handled the prenup as if she were personally negotiating her own prenup. The client was a puppet to her own attorney’s wishes. What the client really wanted was for her attorney to explain the various options she had in each situation, and to decide what was best for herself without her attorney supplanting her own personal wishes in the agreement.  

It is best practice to encourage clients to be active in their own prenups, so they can understand the process from beginning to end. It is critical to ensure that both signatories, the bride and groom, have read the agreement for themselves. In fact, my retainer agreement specifically states that part of my service is to ensure that each person involved understands the ramifications of the provisions in the agreement.

If you find yourself needing a prenup, don’t let yourself be a puppet!

Feel free to contact us with your prenuptial agreement related questions.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

Beware the Trojan Horse

During negotiations, people oftentimes have a hierarchy of what’s important to them. As a divorce attorney, you have to coach your clients to be wary of what they want versus what the other spouse wants to give them, because almost every scenario has its benefits and pitfalls. Consider these various potential Trojan Horses:

Houses:

Getting the house in a settlement is typically a big issue. Often, the spouse that wants the home perceives it as a security blanket because someone else had been paying for it. If this spouse has never managed the house and doesn’t know how to run a budget, and you, as their attorney, see how tight their budget is, you might be concerned about giving them the house. What if the boiler breaks down within the next two years and there’s no cushion in the budget to fix it? This would drain the client, no matter how emotionally attached they are to the house.

Vehicles:

I’ve had clients that own two Mercedes that they pay parking for in New York City. For the spouse trying to get the cars, they may not realize the onerous responsibilities included in owning a vehicle. These are the types of Trojan Horses that can blow a person’s budget if they don’t carefully account for expenses.

Custody:

Another example of a Trojan Horse can be hidden in custody arrangements. Sometimes, when one party fights to give the other party a specific visitation schedule, they later regret it. I have had women who were fighting tooth and nail for certain visitation schedules, and then suddenly realized that having their ex-husband take extra days is tremendously helpful to them.

Maintenance Payments:

Maintenance is almost always a Trojan Horse to the recipient because it is presently taxable to the payee. When the recipient can receive a lump sum payment, those are tax free equitable distribution exchanges between the parties, making it a much cleaner way of budgeting for the future. January 2019 will bring changes to the way maintenance payments are taxed streamlining pay-outs from payors to payees.

When Something Seems Too Good to Be True:

I had a situation where, after a long negotiation, the husband agreed to pay an enormous amount to his wife. In the end, however, this “gift” ended up being a ruse. He was afraid that his wife would find out about an additional half a million dollars he had hidden from her. His supposed generosity was partially because of guilt and partially to try and end the negotiation, so we wouldn’t dig deeper.

As a divorce attorney, I coach my clients to look for all the various types of honey pot traps. I have them analyze whether or not the things they want may actually end up being more devastating to them if they receive them. Often my clients, once they start getting deals they’re happy with, do change their minds about wanting to go in front of a judge. This is when we quietly negotiate a higher amount with the other side, draft an agreement, and then have the court sign off on it.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

Equality Schmality

Men often voice that they feel they get the raw end of the stick during divorce, without a larger understanding of their situation.

Generally, women are perceived as victims and sympathetic characters in divorce, both in the monetary and parenting realms.

People often ask me if I am a female-or male-oriented attorney and which sex I predominantly represent. I represent both equally, and each case is fact specific. At any given moment, I represent mirror image situations-for example, a female client who would like to impose that her ex keep to a very time specific visitation schedule, and a male client lamenting that his wife is overly rigid in demanding that his visitation must take place within very precise time frames.  

Arguably, men are often still considered second fiddle when it comes to parenting, even though there is a whole movement underway in the direction of 50/50 parenting, often titled “50/50 is the new default,” as in a 50/50 joint physical and residential custody arrangement.

When actions are commenced, typically it is the husband who moves out and the wife who remains in the marital residence with the children. Men often have a hard time with the idea of leaving the house and no longer sleeping under the same roof as their children every night. Something they took for granted is suddenly gone.  

There is still the general presumption that women are the natural caretakers. Men often have to fight hard to obtain a more liberal access schedule. They often verbalize finding it offensive that they suddenly have to “visit” with their children during prescribed hours. (Euphemisms have been contrived, such as “parenting time” and “access schedule,” but it doesn’t change the underlying concept.) The emotional trauma that many men experience when this happens is not spoken about. Men are expected to “man up” about things, while women are more touchy-feely, often attending support groups or leaning on their immediate social circle.  

In a more traditional situation, such as with a stay-at-home mom, or if the woman is a teacher, of course maintenance is going to be paid, of course the woman is going to be the primary caretaker. But when it’s the reverse and the man is the one that stays home caring for the children or is a teacher, there’s a presumption that something must be wrong with him. Why isn’t he in a more manly profession?  

When the woman is the higher income earner, the man often feels pressured to give up maintenance or to reduce the amount that he takes. It’s almost expected that the man should come up with faster ways to make money or simply not leech off his wife. In the reverse situation, the pressure would be less, because it’s expected that women leave the workforce when they have children to care for. This dynamic is often most evident in mediation when both parties are in the room together, openly expressing their viewpoints.

An additional noteworthy point is domestic violence and abuse towards men.

Domestic violence towards women is a well-known phenomenon, but we hear little about domestic violence towards men, and not because it isn’t pervasive. It is, in fact, quite commonplace, as many divorce attorneys can tell you.

I have seen situations where men, who are 6’2” and over 200 pounds, are the victims of physical and emotional abuse by their 5’4″ wives. These men may be in high-power positions, dominating during business meetings, but tell me they’re terrified to go home to their wives. This issue is not spoken about and very little sympathy goes towards men. They’re expected to suppress their feelings and don’t really have any forums to talk about or deal with it. A lot of these men feel they can’t reveal what’s going on in their lives because of their high-powered professional positions; for all intents and purposes, they have everything together.

It is not a pity party competition between the sexes-rather an observation. Many of my male clients have expressed that they wish there were more resources available to them, while they are going through separation and divorce, to help them through the process. I have a long list of support groups to dispense to my female clients and often think I need to get all my male clients together to create their own support group, because they are so hard to come by.   

Contact The Law & Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein with any questions if you are preparing for or going through a separation or divorce.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com