Tag Archive for: Divorce Papers

Empowerment Is the Best Deal

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In our last post, we discussed the fallout that happens when a husband is accused of sexual harassment in the workplace. I had another interesting situation where my unmarried client was having an affair — for 15 years — with a married man from work without knowing he was married because he hid it well while living a double life. 

He represented himself to be single from the get-go and the work romance got serious. He even presented fabricated divorce papers to my client to prove his alleged divorce. My client, blissfully ignorant to divorce-decree fraud, believed him. She admits to noticing red flags along the way, but she ignored them because of the “divorce papers” she saw. 

The 15-year lie came to an end when my client discovered this man’s deception and immediately broke off the affair. She was worried because she enjoyed a very high position in her company and was unsure whether her supervisors would want to know or would prefer to stay in the dark about the unethical behavior within their matrix. However, she also didn’t want this to happen to anyone else. 

My client had read about this exact scenario and none of the stories ended well. She had to go through the expense of hiring an employment law attorney to make sure that she was protected once she came out about the affair and deception to her employer. 

The man was also in a very leading position within the company. There were younger women under his watch, who were less sophisticated than my client, and she wanted to make sure he didn’t victimize them. 

This story is important because events at the workplace, like sexual harassment, have ramifications in the setting of divorce. If the perpetrator is fired, the equation for child and spousal support will be impacted. That’s why it’s important to contact an attorney as soon as you sense a “Me, Too” situation developing in your marriage. 

Speaking up early will allow you the time to divorce accordingly and to make sure you get the best deal for yourself. This speaks to the perpetrator’s wife — once she learned about her husband’s indiscretions and double life, she needed to lawyer-up. 

There was a whole web of attorneys involved to represent both women — my client who was having the affair and the perpetrator’s wife, including matrimonial, employment, ethics, and social media attorneys, to contain the damage. 

The two women got to know each other, felt a connection in being blind-sided and duped by the same person, and worked to mutually help each other. 

It is often disheartening to the spouses of perpetrators that they fell in love with someone like that. They start to see themselves as victims as well and join in on the “Me, Too” chorus. 

My client worked hard to help herself and the perpetrator’s wife out of the unseemly situation, and in so doing, she also protected other potential “Me, Too” victims.

That’s why there’s an empowering and strengthening stage that I do with my clients as we lay the groundwork and advance their case. Inner peace and enlightenment aside, getting a good deal is the ultimate source of empowerment. 

Feel free to contact me with any questions. 

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

When Children Are Treated Like Chattel in Divorce; Don’t Let Your Kids Get Lost in the Shuffle!

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As parents go through the pain of divorce, it can become a petty competition between spouses, and the children become the rope in an ugly, unfair tug-o-war. 

People going through divorce may get reduced to their own worst, most childlike state. They may project a lot of what’s happening to them onto the children. They may use the children as tools, using the kids as an excuse to justify what they want. 

Here’s a case in point. A mother wanted primary custody of the children. The arrangement she was asking for would actually deprive the father of a lot of parenting time. She claimed he was “out to lunch” when watching the kids, like they could set the house on fire and he would still be sitting there buried in his work.

This mother could have chosen to serve the summons when the kids were not at home. She could have kept it private, but she didn’t think it through, so she served her husband with divorce papers at breakfast in front of their children.

Astonished and angry, he started to engage the children, saying, “Look, Mommy’s trying to make me a homeless bum and kick me out. Who would you want to live with?” It became a round table breakfast discussion. These kids should never have been in that position! 

The wife had been considering divorce for at least a year. The husband didn’t want a divorce. He got served totally out of left field and was in a state of shock. It got quite intense and he became a little bit physically violent — when he had never been before. 

Later the wife kept using the incident as an example, “Isn’t he inappropriate that he was engaging the children and got violently angry?” She had completely lost sight of her own behavior, forgotten that she caused the entire horrible situation with her ill-considered timing. 

People in crisis forget and engage with their children as if they’re adults. They’re so wrapped up in their pain they can’t see that they are acting in immature and inappropriate ways.  

In another case, the husband was doing drugs, getting violent, drinking, coming home and, leaving again. The wife was in a lot of pain but kept saying she wanted to stay because of their child. In truth, she was just afraid. It would certainly be better for the child not to have such a volatile home life. The mother was projecting her emotions onto her child because she felt no sense of control in her life. Children are adaptable; the real issue was her feeling needlessly guilty about saying, “I don’t want this for myself.” 

Another danger is that sometimes when a person loses intimacy with their spouse, they may lean too heavily on their children for emotional support. They may start sleeping in the same bed as their child to avoid feeling alone. They may vent to their children because they don’t want to tell other people about the breakup. It starts to become not what a child and parent relationship should be. 

When a parent is trying to use the child to alleviate all of their feelings of emptiness and loneliness at the end of a marriage, it forces a child into a very difficult predicament. They will be profoundly confused, grow up too fast, or both. 

How Can These Destructive Behaviors Be Corrected? 

First, I have to make my clients see how they are behaving. I stop them in their tracks, while they’re telling me the story, to help the client be self-reflective and perceive their own behavior in order to modify it. 

My clients are flawed just as much as their spouses are flawed. I help them detach from their own issues and concentrate on getting the children through the transition. It often helps to have a child in neutral therapy with their very own counselor who can actively help guide the parents about their behavior. 

When divorcing parents can’t work together for their benefit, children get lost in the shuffle. In these families, the parents really need ways of breaking impasses and processing toxic emotions so they and their children can heal and move forward.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com