There’s No Such Thing as a Gentlemen’s Agreement…and Then Some!

Often when couples first begin talking about divorce, they come up with their own agreement: “I’ll take this, and you’ll take that…I’ll be responsible for this, and you’ll be responsible for that.” Sometimes, they recruit a mutual friend to play makeshift mediator, and then somewhat live under the terms of the agreement they contrive. However, this agreement is unenforceable, as it is usually either a gentleman’s agreement or one written, but not signed, notarized, and acknowledged in the manner required by the courts to deem an agreement enforceable. Ironically, divorcing parties are often “stuck on” this initial “home-baked” agreement. Fast forward a bit to one of the parties becoming disgruntled enough to commence a litigation action. Within the litigation context, they often keep referring to that initial agreement, which bears no weight.

An analogous situation can occur in mediation. Mediators typically have each party sign a waiver stating that anything said in mediation is private, confidential, and cannot be used in litigation. The parties often strike agreements on various issues and start planning their future and making arrangements based on their agreements. If mediation falls apart and litigation begins, what the parties agreed to during mediation is meaningless. Nevertheless, the parties are often so stuck on what happened in mediation, where they were an active participant, able to get many concessions they were satisfied with, that four years later they are still reminiscing about it with nostalgia. It wasn’t successful—why be fixated on something that didn’t work.

In one extreme example of a mediation case gone sour and turning into a bitter litigation battle, the husband broke into the mediator’s office at night to steal the records from his case, which he thought would highlight the concessions his wife agreed to make during mediation. Besides being a criminal act and downright meshuga, to what end? What was to be gained? The deals struck in mediation stayed there and are bootless.

When divorcing parties start to live under the terms of the agreement before it’s actually drafted, it can be like a house of cards that falls apart. It is important that adequate protections are in place and that things happen in a sequential order.

A good practice is to have “interim agreements” or “stipulations.” In litigation, parties typically enter into stipulations along the way as they settle and resolve select issues and can then move forward to tackle the outstanding issues. For example, there may be a custody trial or settlement with a parenting agreement executed, on the heels of which follow the financial aspects of the case. It is wise to engage in a similar practice in mediation. The parties should each have consulting attorneys, and valid interim agreements can be entered into as the mediation progresses.

In almost every case, there are the pressing, time-sensitive or “elephant in the room” issues that need to be tackled first, which often include but are not limited to:

•Custody, visitation, and parenting issues.

•Interim support plan.

•One spouse moving out of the marital residence.

•Closing joint accounts and devising a plan to pay off marital debt.

•Deciding whether to file tax returns jointly or separately and who claims the children as dependents.

•Removing one spouse’s name from investments they know nothing about and feel they may need immediate protection from.

With the guidance of consulting attorneys, valid agreements can be entered into, settling each of the situations the parties are most concerned about along the way.

Often, when parties resolve the matters they are most anxious about, the rest falls into place more easily.

Whether parties choose to litigate or mediate, it is important to consult with an experienced attorney at the very beginning, when they start thinking about divorce or discussing it with a spouse, to ensure they are adequately protected.

Feel free to contact me with any questions.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
Offices in Manhattan and Brooklyn
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com