Tag Archive for: Pandemic

When Your Spouse Asks You to Move Out — Breaking the Seal on the Marital Home

As the pandemic stretches on, I’ve been doing a lot of early terminations of residential leases as part of divorces. It seems that some people who were “hanging in there” with their spouse are starting to reach the end of their rope. Perhaps these marriages would have lasted longer, but the pandemic moved up the expiration date on everything.

Many clients just don’t know what to do or how to answer when they are asked to move out. My first response to them is always, “Well, tell them they should move out. If they feel that the two of you shouldn’t be together, shouldn’t you be the one who gets to stay?”

That’s because moving out of the marital home is a big deal. The person who moves out loses a lot of power just by not being there — especially on day-to-day child care issues. That is why it is imperative to seek out an attorney to help you with a formalized move-out letter, and preferably, a parenting agreement before you agree to anything.

A formalized move-out letter most often states:

•it was a mutual decision that one of you should move out;
•thoughtful consideration was given to who that should be;
•the person who is moving out has the right to move back in at any time;
•the person who is moving out is not abandoning any of their rights; and
•the move has no bearing on equitable distribution, maintenance, custody, and visitation.

That document is signed and notarized by both parties. In an ideal situation, you also would have pulled together a parenting agreement to be incorporated and signed along with the move-out letter. If you cannot pull together an agreement fast enough, then one can be made at a later time.

In addition to protecting your legal rights, the agreement can protect you against your spouse reneging on promises. Sometimes this happens unintentionally, and sometimes with malice. The protection you get from the memorialized agreement works in both cases.

Please feel free to contact me if you have an impending dissolution or move out.

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

Divorce Inertia

Many of the people who have filed for divorce during the lockdown or are going to get divorced or separated once life returns to the “old normal” are not doing so exclusively because of issues that arose during the pandemic. Most are people whose marriages were already on the rocks — but were staying together because of inertia. The pandemic simply served to accelerate the expiration date on what was already a flailing or dead marriage. 

Why is it that some people would “sit on” a divorce until something counteracts the inertia? Finding that out is why part of my basic consultation is to ask, “Why now?” The answer will, to some extent, formulate the strategy of the case. 

For example, I am working with a man who came to me wanting a divorce after being separated for 20 years. I asked him, “Why now?” He said, “Because I’m bored.” He just needed a project to keep him busy! This was the first time I’ve ever heard someone give boredom as an answer, and he was being completely honest. More common responses to “Why now?” include:  an exacerbation of verbal or even physical aggression, including an inability to control arguing in front of the children; loss of sense of self within the marriage; disliking the personality traits one’s spouse brings out in them; lack of intimacy for an extended period of time that someone can no longer handle;  finding another lover that hones in feelings of loneliness within the marriage; economic incentive, such as financial advances that one does not wish to share with their spouse, among many other reasons.  

From an economic standpoint, inertia can have dire consequences in situations where it is necessary to move quickly to protect separate property. There are situations in which a person needs to take immediate action — like if the person wants to start a business or is about to come into a very large amount of money that they don’t want to share with their soon-to-be-ex-spouse. 

So, while the pandemic does not appear to be the cause of many divorce cases, it seems that it has often been the impetus. Perhaps it’s because people have time to think about what they want to do after this situation is over — and one of the things people think is, “I don’t want to live like this anymore.” Sometimes when someone is sick, restricted and/or experiencing loss of control over their lives, they realize life is short, that they want to make a change once they recover and regain a semblance of control. These and/or other factors might create the perfect storm for feelings to bloom for other people, and for the parties of a loveless marriage to overcome inertia.

Regardless of what your turning point was, getting started early will pay dividends in terms of both time and money. It will also place you in a strong position, able to react decisively to any obstacles that pop up. To learn more, contact me.  

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylsteinesq.com

Remote Mediation Works…for Now

“We’re all riding the same ocean, but different people are in different boats.” I had heard that quote a long time ago, but it came back to mind as I was setting up my camera for a remote session. With videoconferencing, we’re inviting people into our boats — our homes — and that is a real and genuine experience.

Remote mediation can be done quite successfully. In our firm, we view this as a time to be creating the agreements that will be presented to the court at a later time. Despite the current closures, we can draft an agreement and even have it notarized virtually. By doing so, we ensure that our clients’ divorces will be at the top of the court’s to-do pile when it reopens.

Considering the privacy concerns with Zoom and other platforms, I often switch to regular, old-fashioned conference calls with my clients after I meet them visually a few times. I’ve found that the visual element is not necessarily needed for every session once a rapport between us has been established. 

In an ideal world, there would of course be no COVID — and I would be able to meet with my clients in person. In mediation, the clients are hearing a lot of information for the first time and I like to watch the way they interact with each other and respond to the information. 

Before the pandemic I had a case that illustrated the importance of in-person meetings brilliantly. The couple traveled a lot and I had only met them on Zoom, but they came into my office once they were able to. What I did not expect, and was surprised to see, was the wife’s physical revulsion to being in the same room as her husband. She picked up her chair and placed it as far away from the husband as she could. This important detail was impossible to notice when the couple was meeting with me from two separate locations. 

Remote mediation — and mediation in general — allows spouses to continue working on their divorces even when the courts are closed. It’s also the only game in town for the foreseeable future. But it’s important to note that this truncated, Zoom-based form of mediation doesn’t offer the full suite of benefits that come with in-person sessions. 

To learn more about the different meeting options available, contact me. 

Cheryl Stein, Esq.
The Law and Mediation Offices of Cheryl Stein
745 Fifth Avenue, Suite 500
New York, NY 10151
Phone: (646) 884-2324
E-mail: cheryl@cherylstein